I know that yesterday is gone and it won't come back to me
But I miss it after all it never really lasts as long as we meant for it to be
There'll be twists and turns, they're pulling us and tearing to the seams
But I'll meet you where we started once again, cause I miss you
-from the new dashboard cd

funny how I have been thinking about some regrets Ive had and this song came on in the car. I still think about a couple people and how different for better or worse things would have turned out. still don't really know what I want to happen...

alright so low point, past. jury is still out on hello cupcake I called and they are still interviewing I will know by later this week. Chris and I had a huge blow out last night into today. He is driving me crazy in a bad way. I think he wants me to be some kind of 50's housewife, you know do laundry clean dishes rub his...shoulders...that kind of thing. its really pissing me off! and I hate that i don't really have anyone close enough to talk to! i just want to rant! talked to ali today a bit, she always makes me happy! she is coming for christmas break and it shall be EPIC!! I am learning slowly to just not give a damn about most of my family. Getting a tree tomorrow!!! that will put me in a better mood

I am not happy anymore. Im out of work, There are no friends here, my family sucks, and worst of all chris has pretty much gone into hibernation. He hardly pays attention to me, has never done anything romantic for me, and the one gift ive ever recieved from him was a tea pot. Now don't get me wrong I know guys dont get hints and you shouldnt expect them to do this kind of stuff on their own...but I have told him! I said out right you never do anything romantic or surprise me with anything! I cook, clean, surprise, buy presents for him all the time. It's not fair. Life isent fair but jesus christ things were looking good for a while there! I find out if I got the hello cupcake job tomorrow. I really really need it. my sister wouldn't stop being a bitch to me last night about how im out of a job and should have taken the restaurant eve one. Im so close to socking her in the face. I miss philly and my friends, I miss having a boyfriend who cared about me, I miss my family being crazy and fun not so depressed. OH and I have to make a cake for brad today. Love him to death but I just made two thanksgivings worth of desserts and now another cake! this shit costs money that I just don't have right now. stupid family. well im off to frost a cake, listen to the new dashboard cd I downloaded, and find my zen.

I don't cry anymore. I was thinking today I really do not remember the last time I cried. I used to all the time. I have no boys, enemies, homework, ect. therefore no crying. My mom and aunt were crying about my grandfather today, as much as I would like to I can't. Its sad but I guess Im just not as close as they are. Of course this was all brought about because of death cab. I hadn't listened to the plans CD in a while so I popped it in and in high school it really spoke to me. When I got it I was just beginning to be allowed to do things. My first no adult concert, my first demonstration, first fun boyfriend...Lots of things so it always stirs up that feeling like I can do anything, things are good, and that life is infinite. I wish I could still have those kind of moments..soul meets body used to say the most to me. Today it was brothers on a hotel bed. That made me sad (still not enough to cry). I guess what I am getting at is that I need conflict, I need drama, as much as I try to stay away from it. life is so boring right now! that or just bleak.

interview went well today. hello cupcake. they only do cupcakes but hey I could use the break from a busy restaurant job and the pay and benefits are out of this world!

had a dream last night that made me want to reconnect with a person from high school...makes me nervous what might happen if I start talking to them again...

another interview yesterday. went well I think. usually I go for a pastry cook position this time I went for pastry assistant. It's looking good so far, if I get this job I will get to manage people and I will be on salary from the get go! lots of cleaning these days. I would say I feel bad that chris is at work and Im not but I saved a shit ton of money soooo I deserve a bit of a break! Still no friends...Im going to a party in december so that maybe will help? till then I will stick it out with chris and family. Even though...my family is fucked up anymore. Grandbo is dying grandma is retarded and keeps sending sam money for his kids (aka coke). My family just sits around and gossips I am SOOO glad to be out of that environment. My sister told me to put ice in wine to make it colder..::shivers:: god help her some times!

So I ended up not taking the job at restaurant eve. I was going to call and say something but chris and I discussed it and..I wouldn't be happy. Thats why I'm a pastry chef that is why I left post. If I wanted to be unhappy I would have been a doctor lawyer business person like the rest of my friends! So today I did my interveiw at cork and I am pretty sure I got the job. ITS AMAZING! I get to bake bread, make my own menu! and its my style! I love rustic things. You can make it taste so much better when it doesnt have to look so pretentious! Im so in love with the idea of working there! even the woman who interviewed me was awesome.. going to party in philly tonight thank god!

friend from college died on halloween from a drunk driver. We werent super close, like I hadn't talked to him since college but it still freaks me out that you can be perfectly fine..then just gone...

I finally quit my job. I feel like I can breathe for the first time in months. It's like I have been in this angry depressed fog. today I cleaned the house top to bottom, and had a great time doing it. Today I decorated my room and danced to Weezer. My stodge(aka shadowing) with restaurant eve is Tuesday so I even get a nice little break until I start working again! Halloween tonight. not sure what will ensue but I have candy, a dress, and Mel is spending the night. things should be good! I miss all my friends so much. Chris is fine but we both agree its crazy without our friends!

1. Friends in maryland
2. new job
3. to finish this freaking puzzle
4. less alone time


im shadowing at restaurant eve this tuesday YAY!

I joined some clubs..We will see how that works out. seems promising! One for anti-social people lol and another for girls in their 20's and 30's in my area. I still hate work but I have been applying to other places. hopefully I hear back from somewhere soon. I don't know how long I can deal at post. fucking Nazi bitch asses. I have to work halloween but that's ok because besides the free tacos at taco bell I have no plans...I hate being grown up. Its fun at first but now it just sucks. I can't wait till I can drink legally. I feel like that will open possibility's a lot.